Moondancer

All done

2006-10-27T19:18:00.000-05:00

Yahoooo! I'm finished the treatments. I was glad to put chemo behind me. The 6th treatment made me feel sicker than before and I was pretty fed up. Can't imagine a year of that.

Radiation was 5 weeks - 25 sessions. I had a heck of a burn on my breast and it was uncomfortable especially under my breast and my arm pit for about a week. I had to wear a soft bra only when necessary. The skin started to peel of in some places. I used JASON aloe vera gel but it was so cold I switched to Likipar cream by La Roche - much better and kept the skin soft and supple. The darkened skin may fade eventually.

I had my port-a-cath removed but still have a small lump where it was - probably scare tissue.

Chemo treatment number 5

2006-07-25T19:29:00.000-05:00

Breast cancer - treatment number 5 was delayed for a week because my neutrophil count dropped to 0.5. I was very depressed for the entire week. The fifth treatment was done on July 18. I didn't feel as bad as with number 4 but didn't feel great either. It takes about 10 - 12 days for me to regain my strength and feel like me again (as much as I can anyway).

The chemo drugs do a number on my stomach. I get bloated and feel I can't eat or drink for about 4 days. I exist on apple sauce, toast, banana and rice and water. I don't drink enough water as it adds to the bloated feeling.

I feel very anxious and uncomfortable and really don't sleep much for 3 days. I've been taking metaclopramide to help with the bloated feeling. I discovered that side effects are anxiety, sleeplessness, restlessness. I've taking lorazepan to help with anxiety but it was having little effect while I was taking the metclopramide. My treatment was on a Tuesday. I stopped taking the metaclopramide on Friday and switched to Ovol (with simethicone). It helped, but by then the bloated feeling in my gut was going away. The doctors sure don't tell you about side effects of these extra drugs they prescribed. Metaclopramide helps to empty the stomach and I was taking one before meals but that didn't help. My family doctor suggested I take 2 tablets - but didn't tell me that if I wasn't eating much to only take one tablet - that I discovered from a very helpful pharmacist. I sure feel like I'm on my own.

Lorazepan (is addicting so I try not to take it once the post-treatment days are behind me) only lasts for a short period (1 mg lasts about 4 to 6 hours). I stay up til about 2 pm, dozing off occasionally but not really sleeping, then take 1.5 mg and manage to sleep until 8:30 am. On bad days I don't sleep much and lie looking at the clock and counting life off by the second. What a miserable existence but I know there are people out there who are suffering even more. I try to remember that.

Helping the time pass is difficult. I find it hard to concentrate so I can't read or watch TV; I can't get comfortable in bed or in a chair. I walk around the house and the garden but I'm exhausted and can't do any housework or gardening. If I could just sleep away those days.

Breast Cancer Patients Benefit From Yoga

2006-06-06T00:37:00.000-05:00

An article from Medical News Today
Breast cancer patients who do yoga tend to enjoy better health, less fatigue and experience less daytime sleepiness - this applies to women who are undergoing radiotherapy for their breast cancer, say scientists from the University of Texas, M.D. Anderson Cancer Center, USA.

follow the link to the complete text.
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/healthnews.php?newsid=44572

Chemo treatment number 3

2006-06-06T00:19:00.000-05:00

Chemotherapy treament number 3 was June 9. The session went easier as the port-a-cath has healed better and is not so tender. I do use EMLA cream applied to the port site one hour before the treatment, I find it helps when the needle is inserted through the skin. This time I also had about 3.5 hours when I felt fine. I went out and did some errands and went home had dinner and watched TV till bed time. Wednesday I was tired and didn't feel like getting out of bed. By Wednesday evening the indigestion had returned and was very uncomfortable through Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I had a new drug to try metoclopramide for the nausea and indigestion. Didn't make any difference. On Monday I was able to change the prescpripton for Zantac (ranitidine) which seems to be helping - or the sypmtoms may just be dissipating.

Anyway its been a rough 6 days. I've not eaten much other than rice, jello, watered down juice and sherbert. I had dinner tonight - a little chicken, rice and cooked pineapple which is supposed to help with digistion. I feel ok so far.

Walking helps with the indigestion, if you're not too tired. Finding what the triggers are would be helpful too but these seem to be different for everyone. There are the usual suspects coffee, tea, chocolate (caffiene), also high fibre foods, dairy products, and beans - which leaves little to eat. Then this can lead to constipation and hemmorrhoids. Adding fibre to the diet to help with this creates indigestion and around and around we go.

Chemo treatment number 2

2006-06-06T00:03:00.000-05:00

May 9. This treatment went a bit quicker although I was nervous. I had about 3 hours before I started to feel tired and queasy. I slept okay that night and took ondansetron only for the next five doses every 12 hours. However, but post-treatment day 3 I was flat out in bed - couldn't move for fear of throwing up. I could hardly eat anything - jello and gingerale mainly. I also took gravol which helped the nausea a bit. The big problem was indigestion and it didn't seem to matter what I did I was very uncomfortable and ready to scream. Didn't get much sleep, exercise or food and ended with constipation! Post treatment Day 5 was better and things started to settle down. Post treatment Day 7, I hacked off what remained of the hair on my head and taped a piece in my journal. The hair was getting everywhere. I still have a ring of hair around my head that shows when I wear a scarf or hat. The sensation of a mainly bald head - I have wisps of hair - is very wierd. I still can't look in the mirror for long. I still have eyebrows and eyelashes. But my skin feels very smooth all over. My nails have grown long - probably from being a women of leisure now. The acne I had earlier is clearing up.

Hair loss

2006-05-05T12:24:00.000-05:00

Losing my hair is very upsetting. I didn't think it would bother me as much as it does. It's amazing how important our hair is to our identity and personal appearance. I probably should have had it all shaved off weeks ago but I just couldn't do it. Instead I'm dealing with hair dropping everywhere - on my pillow, in the bathtub, on my shoulders, down my back ... I use a large-toothed come in my hair to try and get rid of it slowly and I've resorted to wearing a scarf ALL the time now just so I don't have to see or touch my thinning mop. I sure feel wierd.

Take a break

2006-05-01T23:39:00.000-05:00

I came across an organization that offers cottages free for five days to cancer survivors and their families. Today's National Post has an article on the program see http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/news/bodyandhealth/story.html?id=5470f960-f205-4e9e-918f-4882eed25982 or check our the organization's web site at cottagedreams.org

Its a wonderful idea to allow cancer patients an opportunity for some stress free time in different environment that's not associated with treatments or clinics.

Hair today ...

2006-05-01T23:00:00.000-05:00

Today is day 12 post-chemo treatment number 1. I noticed this afternoon that my hair is beginning to fall out. Damn! Last Friday, I spent $15 having it trimmed to about 1 inch all over. I've opted to not get a wig (well so far, unless I look really scary without hair). I thought a wig would be too hot in the summer and I have lots of pretty scarves. The local cancer clinic provides a selection of wigs free, if I decide to get a wig afterall.

The Drugs

2006-05-01T22:44:00.000-05:00

Chemotherapy drugs
5-Fluorouracil (Brand name - Adrucil also called 5-FU)
Epirubicin (Brand name- Parmorubicin)
Cyclophosphamide I.V. (Brand names: Cytoxan, Procytox

Anti-nausea
Ondansetron (Brand names: Zofran, Sofran ODT)
Dexamethasone (Brand names: Decadron, Dexasone)
Prochlorperazine (Brand name: Stemetil)

Ondansetron seemed to be the most effective (and most expensive). I stopped taking Dexamethasone and Prochlorperazine.

Gaviscon liquid was the most helpful (and recommended by the clinic) for indegestion.

Diagnosis
Breast left; invasive mammary carcinoma of no special type, Grade III
Tumour size: 3.0 x 2.5 x2.1 cm
Lumphatic or vascular invasion : absent
Immunohistochemistry for Estrogen Receptor: negative
Immunohistochemistry for Progesterone Receptor: negative
Immunohistochemistry for HER2/neu protein overexpression: negative

Post treatment

2006-05-01T22:25:00.000-05:00

The evening after the first treatment I didn't feel too badly. The anti-nausea drugs helped a lot except that one of them made me very edgy, well actually crazy. I was vacuuming my laundry room at 10 o'clock at night. I was exhausted but I couldn't sit still.

The first 6 days after the treatment I mainly felt queasy and thankfully never vomited. I had to stop taking the anti-nausea drugs as they made me feel worse. I ate small meals, frequently and drank lots of fluids. The indigestion and constipation have been really the most uncomfortable side effects of all the drugs. Exercising helps. Nights are still difficult. I haven't really been sleeping through the night and take lorazepan which helps me at least get to sleep.

Chemo treatment number 1

2006-05-01T22:15:00.000-05:00

First chemotherapy treatment was April 18. It pretty well took all day. My husband and I were at the cancer clinic from 11:15 am to 4:15 pm. There was a lot of waiting around. The clinic is a very busy place. We had to meet with the oncologist, wait, check into the treatment room, wait. I was really nervous. The staff at the centre are all very gentle and kind and patient but I was very nervous. One of the nurses put some Emla cream on the portacath site to numb the area still it was uncomfortable I had a porta-cath was inserted on my right side about 3 inches down from my collar bone. (This provides a pathway for the chemo infusion and for taking blood). The porta-cath was inserted about six days earlier so the site was a bit tender.

The actual infusion took about 50 minutes.

Meet the oncologist

2006-05-01T22:01:00.000-05:00

April 28. I finally met the onclogy team (doctor, primary care nurse and interns - I'm usually willing to help up and coming med students). The doctor was very straightforward with his prognosis and recommendations for treatment. There is a 20 per cent chance the cancer will return if I have chemotherapy. What a choice. No choice at all. I have to be greatful that I live a city with a superior cancer clinic and cancer research facilities. If I lived in a more remote part of the country my treatment options might not be so easy.

Chemotherapy will be given in 6 sessions every 21 days. This will be followed by 25 sessions of radiation.

Prior to chemo I had:
- a heart wall muscle test done to set a baseline (there is a risk of damage to the heart from chemo)
- ultra sound of major organs and abdomen to determine if there were any abnormalities
- a bone scan to check for signs of cancer in the bones

Group support

2006-03-23T13:34:00.000-06:00

I joined a support group at my local Wellspring Centre. Its a wonderful place with varied activities from group discussions to journaling to art therapy. There is also a lending library.

I was nervous about attending the group meeting. I was afraid of what I would discover about others and about my own condition. I'm still feeling that I've been handed a death sentence. Its a tough feeling to shake off. There is a culture around (breast) cancer and I don't want to be part of it but here I am.

The support group is lead by a very skilled facilitator. Each member of the group has a chance to speak if they want to and share their personal experience - age, type of breast cancer, treatment progression, outcomes, fears, concerns, whatever.

I was the only one who hadn't started my treatment yet. The others were much further ahead, some had already finished. Two people were being treated for the second time as the cancer had returned. Two people were now receiving Herceptin as their tissue samples had been re-tested now that this drug is available to them.

Breast Cancer support

2006-03-19T00:23:00.000-06:00

I found this online support site with a discussion forum. See http://bcsupport.org/ It might be helpful as the range of topics discussed are wide and varied from specific medical details to the more mundane (but essential) such as solutions to constipation.

2006-03-19T00:16:00.000-06:00

On March 2, 2006 Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced the federal government’s commitment to fund and implement the Canadian Strategy for Cancer Control. If fully implemented, the Strategy will mean, over the next 30 years: · preventing over 1.2 million Canadians from developing cancer; · saving the lives of more than 420,000 Canadians; · saving more than $39 billion in direct healthcare costs; · preventing the loss of more than $101 billion in wage-based productivity.

full story at the Canadian Cancer Society web site

The Cancer Answer

2006-03-18T11:00:00.000-06:00

March 5, 2006 The Cancer Answer
I watched the CBC Marketplace program segment on cancer, “The Cancer Answer” with Wendy Mesley. I’m sure the scope of the topic was much greater than Ms. Mesley could do justice to in the short segment. I have to agree with her that environmental factors are a key cause of cancer. Not to discredit the incredible advances made in detection and treatment of cancer but there seems to be little being done on prevention. As consumers we really are unaware of what is in the products we use from food and household products, to medication, to manufacturing by-products. Only through proper infomation can we can make educated choices about the health of our communities.

Find the full story on line http://www.cbc.ca/consumers/market/files/health/cancer/index.html

March 2006

2006-03-18T10:41:00.000-06:00

March 3, 2006 One month today
It’s been one month since my surgery. Physically I fell really good. The incisions have healed over and going without a bra is not as uncomfortable any more although it feels better to wear one most of the time. I’ve gotten into a routine of getting up early. I have a small snack – a muffin or toast and do my workout and go for a walk. Have meals at regular times. I watch lvery ittle TV, except for McLeod’s Daughters on Friday nights at 9:00 pm. Do some chores and errands. I’ve read lots – probably more in the last 30 days than in the last 12 months. Spend time chatting with friends on the phone - rarely did that before. Play the piano (cat is my main audience and she must be done deaf or just dotes on me as she sleeps through my performances). Play with the cat. Work on some embroidery. I could get used to this being away from work thing. It’s amazing how I can pleasantly while away the time. Keeping positive is hard work and I don't sleep very well but I have a great appetitite so have to watch the diet. I'd lost 15 pounds in the past year and another five in the past month and sure don't want to find it. I'm aiming for a svelte 110 lb, 5' 1" figure.

My Diagnosis (Feb 16, 2006)

2006-03-18T10:36:00.000-06:00

Diagnosis
Breast left; invasive mammary carcinoma of no special type, Grade III
Tumour size: 3.0 x 2.5 x2.1 cm
Lumphatic or vascular invasion : absent
Immunohistochemistry for Estrogen Receptor: negative
Immunohistochemistry for Progesterone Receptor: negative
Immunohistochemistry for HER2/neu protein overexpression: negative

Now I have more questions. The Cancer Society has been helpful in explaining the pathology report to me. However, the oncologist will have more information. I am waiting for that appointment.

February 2006 (2)

2006-03-17T21:37:00.000-06:00

February 28 Anxiety and depression
I’ve been keeping this journal of my journey and thought it might be helpful to share it with others who are facing a similar experience. It's probably of greater therapeutic benefit to me but I hope that also helps someone else. The anxiety and depression I feel sometimes is like a big wave and I can’t see over the top. What keeps me going? My family and friends; My sense of humour. My faith – somedays it is much dimminished and I wonder what the heck I'm doing here and why me?

February 22 I had a bone scan done today. I went to the hospital at 11:00 am had the radio isotope injected. I had to return at 3:30 pm for the scan which took until 5:00 pm to complete. The results will be sent to the surgeon and my family doctor. More waiting and worrying. I have a pain in my upper back still - what is that. Now every odd ache and pain will make me panic.

February 19 Okay, that good feeling only lasted a day. Now I have more questions. The Cancer Society has been helpful in explaining the pathology report to me. However, the oncologist will have more information. I am waiting for that appointment and wondering when I will be able to get back to work.

February 16 I met with the surgeon today for my post-surgery follow-up. She said the surgery went well and the incision is healing properly. I have a four inch scar across the top of my breast. I left the office with a copy of the pathology report feeling positive. The oncologist will have another report when I see him in a few weeks. This is probably the best I’ve felt since January 11.

February 2006

2006-03-17T21:07:00.000-06:00

February 12 The weather was wonderful yesterday and today. Sunny and mild. The snow is melting. I went out for a drive on my own - really good to be out of the house. Okay. No more lying around sniveling and crying. It’s time to do stuff.

February 9 I’ve received cards, flowers, phone calls and some lovely care packages from friends, family and co-workers. It’s wonderful to be remembered and thought of with such kind thoughts. Makes getting up everyday worthwhile. My husband is a great cook so no worries there and my girls have risen to the challenge of taking care of me as well. They make me proud. Some days I feel very down. I’ve made it around the block a few times. Going for a walk helps even if the weather is cold. I'll soon be able to get back to my regular exercise routine.

February 8 I’ve been doing the post-op exercises I was shown at the hospital. They’re not difficult to do just aggravating. It helps to take the pain killers before doing the exercises. If the surgery had more radical I’m sure these exercises would be much more difficult to do. I took anti-inflammatory tablets for three days as prescribed and now I’m just taking 200 mg of ibuprofen three times a day. I have a pain in my back which I noticed was there after January 11 when I had the initial biopsy. I’ve put it down to lying in an awkward position on the examining table and to tension. Exercise might help as would not sleeping half sitting up. I see the surgeon on February 16 for a follow-up and the results of the pathology report. The waiting and worrying is killing! Friends from out of town drop by for a visit. This is a very welcome distraction. He's had prostate cancer but we don't talk about cancer at all. What a relief.

February 6 The surgery was done early in the morning on Friday, February 3. I was at the hospital at 6:45 am and home in my bed by 1:45 pm the same day. I saw the surgeon in the recovery room and she said the surgery went well. Not sure just what that means. Did they get all the cancer? She wouldn’t know that without a pathology report.

There were some beautiful flowers from people at work delivered when I came home from the hospital. Cheered me up. It's nice to be remembered. I'm glad my mum is here everyday to take care of me.

I slept most of the rest of Friday afternoon. Being hungry, I ate crackers and fruit salad then took a Tylenol III and was violently ill. What was I thinking – I can’t tolerate codeine. So I’m using regular strength Tylenol which works quite well. The discomfort from the surgery is not as great as I expected. Gravity hurts so I have to hold up my breast when I walk around or move in bed. Except for getting up and having a bath, I stayed in bed and slept all day Saturday and Sunday. I made it downstairs to watch TV for a bit in the evenings. Monday I put on a bra – what a blessed relief. I had both hands free at the same time! Sleeping in a bra helps too. I’ve had to sleep on my back which I’m not used to. I find it helpful to prop myself up with pillows all round.

February 2 Pre-op work-up I had my pre-op work-up done this morning – weight, blood pressure, blood test, cardiogram, post-op information (exercises and care of incision). The surgeon had already given me a prescription for Tylenol III and an anti-inflammatory to use after the surgery. In the afternoon I had to go back for a die to be injected into my breast for the sentinel node biopsy. The die is used to determine which lymph node is the sentinel node.

I watched TV all evening to keep my mind off tomorrw and have just taken an Ativan so I can go to sleep before midnight otherwise I’ll get hungry and thirsty and of course I can’t eat or drink after midnight.

Sentinel node biopsy prep: Dye is injected into four places around the breast – with the nipple as center imagine a clock with times 12, 3, 6 and 9 – these were the injection sites. A series of video images were taken to identify the sentinel node and the site marked on the skin with a “Sharpie” maker, not to be washed off. Before the procedure is started lydacaine is used to numb the area of the injection site. It takes about 30 minutes for this to take effect. The injection is like a TB test - the needle is inserted under the skin. An uncomfortable and mildly painful sensation, but way better than what I had expected. It would have been very helpful for the (male) technician to tell me what this all involved. I had visions of long needles going into my breast. Actually, the injections were done by a (male) doctor, with a tender touch. Not that I have any objections to being treated by male doctors, my GP is male, but there is something intrinsic in understanding women’s healthcare that is often not present in men – however some women don’t get it either. In the breast, a network of lymphatic vessels drain fluid and cells to the lymph nodes in the armpit. The “sentinel” node is the very first lymph node to receive drainage from a cancer-containing area of the breast. When breast cancer cells begin to escape from the tumor in the breast they travel to the lymph nodes under the arm. The first lymph node they reach is the 'sentinel' lymph node. For more information see Imaginis Breast Cancer Resource http://imaginis.com/breasthealth/sentinelnode.asp and "Sentinel node biopsy may be as good as regular lymph node biopsy" in the New England Journal of Medicine, Aug. 7, 2003 http://www.breastcancer.org/research_surgery_080703.html

January 2006

2006-03-16T13:50:00.000-06:00

January 26 I met with the surgeon today - a very kind woman with gentle hands. My husband (and the Ativan) came to the appointment with me. I had taken two tablets of lorazepan by the time the surgeon came into to see me. Good thing my husband was there, I was a bit fuzzy – an effect that lasted all day (lol). The surgeon was straightforward about the surgery and further treatment. We talked about a mastectomy but this is not the preferred protocol. I will have a lumpectomy with a sentinel node biopsy followed by chemotherapy and radiation. I am relieved that my whole breast will not be removed but I also worry if this is the best decision. Surgery is scheduled for February 3.

January 23 I’ve been able to talk about this with friends, family and co-workers which helps. Their support and encouragement is helpful. As I said, everyone knows someone who has had this experience. I’ve talked with a couple of women who have had breast cancer and completed their treatments. This was not easy. I can’t believe that I have breast cancer. Someone suggested I should find out as much as I can about bc. I’ve done an internet search but the amount of information available is overwhelming and it’s very difficult to determine the credibility of much of it. You really don’t think much about cancer until you have to live with it – either as a patient or a caregiver.

January 19 I've talked with three other women who have had breast cancer. All with different experiences. I confess that they have not helped me any. I'm more anxious and scared than ever. I've also done a bit of searching for informaton on the net, so has my husband, but that's not been any help at all. The tears just keep coming and I feel lower than ever. I'm amazed that I can get through a day at work. The surgeon's appointment is next week. My family doctor didn't tell me what to expect. He admitted that he did not know as much about breast cancer as he should. At least he was honest about that.

January 17 An Ativan a day keeps the blues away
My family doctor gave me a prescription for Ativan. I don’t often take medication and was hesitant to use tranquilizers but I need to sleep and to keep calm throughout the day so I can function as normally as possible. I feel like there is a time bomb about to go off in my head. Telling my co-workers and family has helped a lot. Everyone knows someone who has had breast cancer and survived. However, I am not in survivor mode. I can only think of the worst outcome. Before I found the lump in my breast I had made an appointment for a physical exam. Finding the lump put that all out of my head. I had to follow-up on blood tests done in December and have a PAP test done . More waiting and worrying. How much bad look can one person have? LOTS!January 12, 2006.

I've recovered from yesterday's experience. There's no discomfort in my breast. I took Tylenol when the freezing wore off but really didn't need to take any more than one tablet (500mg). I can unwind for a few days until the results come in.

January 11 The day the universe changed
I had an ultrasound done today. AND a biopsy. That was a surprise. I had not even thought of that possibility. When the doctor said she wanted to re-do the ultrasound herself and a biopsy was necessary, I knew this was not a good sign. I panicked and insisted that if it was to be done it would be now or never. I really felt that if I left the hospital I wouldn’t be back. The nursing staff at the breast screening clinic were wonderful. They treated me very kindly. The technique used was an ultrasound guided biopsy. My breast was frozen before a very small incision was made. The whole procedure was done as quickly as possible. I’ve never been comfortable with any medical procedures (visits to the dentist are not fun either) or with people invading my personal space. I was a blubbering mess and remained at the hospital for an extra two hours to calm down before heading home. The results are promised in five days.

January 10 First day back at work
I've not given much thought to the lump in my breast over the past week. It's just there. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen and no amount of wishing will make any difference.

January 1 Happy New Year
Hell of a way to start a year. I’m still thinking the worst. The lump in my breast is ever present. I'm on vacation but don't feel like doing much. I usually try and take advantage of any snow we have but not this year. I've spent the week reading instead.

Nov - Dec 2005

2006-03-16T12:49:00.000-06:00

December 30 Happy Holidays Christmas day was wonderful. We had our immediate family together and enjoyed the day and the great meal prepared by my husband. Boxing Day we relaxed and enjoyed our gifts. The next day several of my cousins arrived from out of town for a visit. I always enjoy their company. In retrospect it was a bitter-sweet day. We had snow but I really didn't feel like going out on my skis. I should get the exercise. Maybe another day.

December 20 My doctor called to say that the mammogram results show a lump and he has booked a follow-up ultrasound, as a precaution, for January 11, 2006. Another long wait. I don’t feel good about this at all. Work and Christmas preparations keep me busy and my mind off this crisis. My husband and kids have been very reassuring and encouraging. I’m determined that this will not rob me of enjoying the holiday season. Off to the mall I go.

December 15 More waiting -The mammogram was done yesterday. Now to wait for the results. The technologist was very kind and patient. Never could get the hang of relaxing while having your breast compressed. I filled out the forms and checked the appropriate boxes: no history of breast cancer; no treatment for breast cancer; last mammogram done in 1978 (I remember that one – it involved a very large white balloon). I am very grateful for the advances in technology that make mammograms an effective tool in detecting breast cancer but really…come on… I bet if men had to have their penises squished like this ...
I finally had to tell my husband and two daughters. I hate to scare them and I know it has. I try to be reassuring and tell them most lumps are benign.

December 3 The anguish continues The appointment for the mammogram is not until December 14. The waiting and not knowing is very hard. I want to believe there is nothing to worry about and try to push it to the back of my mind. I can’t even think about this but I can feel the lump easily and the seat belt in the car rubs against it irritating the area. I’ve been using my scarf to keep the belt off my left breast. I’ve not told my husband or my children yet. Just can’t go there. Christmas is coming and I focus on what is important about this time of the year. I love Christmas.

Monday, November 28, 2005 The day the universe changed - First thing in the morning, I felt a lump at the top of my left breast. My heart skipped several beats. I knew then what it was. I do a monthly breast exam but like most women I don't do it as religiously as I should. However, that lump was not there in September, or not large enough for me to notice it. Now, it was very noticeable. As calmly as I could, I got ready and went to work. I called my doctor’s office as soon as I could that morning and was able to get an appointment for December 5. That was the best they could do. I was terrified but somehow managed to make it through the day. I had kept this to myself, not telling anyone, not even my husband. Denial is a form of self-preservation.

The next morning I called my doctor's office again and begged to be seen sooner. By 11:30 am I was in his office. His first thought was that it was a cyst. Most breast lumps are benign. I felt a bit calmer and left the office with a mammogram appointment for December 14. That is a long wait. But I left his office feeling a bit better and could focus on work and the upcoming holiday season.